An Anxious Life That Was Never Mine To Keep

I was once told a story that I do not quite remember.

           In this story, I was around five years old. The setting was a grocery store, and as a young one, my job was to follow behind my mother as she searched for items on her list. As we journeyed around the store, we were interrupted. Someone approached my mom, sparking up a conversation about the most recent happenings of life. When I first became aware of the stranger's presence, I instantly ran to find one of my mother’s legs. After I succeeded, I held on, tucking behind the swaying body part, hoping to disappear. Yet, I always allowed room for occasional peeking to catch a glimpse of the stranger’s behavior. During a moment of my peeking session, I found my eyes to accidentally meet the stranger’s, initiating a soft “Hello” from them. My heart responded quicker than my reflexes ever could. With my heart racing, I drew back, retreating to safety and physically pressing my lips together so that words would not escape in reaction to their greeting. After the interaction between my mother and the stranger, I calmed, becoming grateful that the exchange was finally over.

Though I do not remember this happening, I remember its feeling, for it was a familiar everyday experience for me. I sadly knew anxiety well.

I typically describe anxiety as a hated friend of mine, as if that is something that should exist. Me and anxiety coexisted for as long as I can remember. So long that I gained a sense of comfort when it arose. So long that an embedded belief became that fear was safe enough to lead my thinking and actions. However, in my maturity, I discovered that this entity only desired to corrupt my mind and bind my body.

To fear the known and unknown is paralyzing. I constantly lived feeling unsafe, misunderstood, and lonely. Therefore, I coward at the sign of any possible danger, imaginary or real. My life became one I knew deep down in my soul was not mine to keep. Yet, I did not know how to rid myself of a parasite that survived off me and me off it since the beginning.

Desperate, I was offered an opportunity to look up and breathe, diverting my attention from the debilitating, familiar ways of anxiety below and fixing my eyes on the good above.

Finding myself in God’s midst, my mind quieted, and He reminded my soul of what is good, true, and beautiful.

See, I lived my life leaning into what weighed heavy on earth. Accepting the world's idea of beauty, success, and worth created a standard for myself that I always failed to live up to, resulting in major insecurities and pressures that caused anxiety in all areas of my life, including my relationship with God. The truth is I forgot about heaven. 

I forgot that in heaven, saints rest in worship to the Father, knowing their purpose and consuming themselves in the One worthy of their time and energy. The things of heaven do not compare to that on earth, so which will I meditate on? Who will I serve?

Today I can say that most of my life is without anxiety; though not perfect, the Holy Spirit continues to give me the strength to do the daunting, reminding me that all is well in His presence even when not on earth.

For I have a new Ruler who diminishes the thick of fear. A solid knowing is created in His reign, relaying that I am continuously covered in His care. I am secure; in His truth, I am well. Therefore, when anxiety rises, my heart will calm, and my soul will rest because I know He is faithful to keep me. 

- lr

Matthew 6:25-34