The Risk of Love

If I believe greater love and authenticity are needed in this world, how could I not give to where it is lacking?

A little transparency here…

I would LOVE to gatekeep myself, only allowing in those trustworthy to care for me, but

I believe in the selflessness and unconditionality of love.

Love goes beyond what it can give me and extends in purpose to create beautiful hope and truth in others. 

In return, my sacrifice to love develops a new grace in me.

Love transforms, and I have seen its beauty and power in my own life. Thus, I desire the love that has been graciously poured into me to overflow into others.

 

Using wisdom and setting boundaries to guard my heart is absolutely necessary, yet I am learning that there will be times when love will require me to risk my feelings to walk in its purpose.

So, though past trauma has caused me to hesitate to sacrifice in this way, I will remain trusting of God's care when He commands me to love anyway. 

I will choose to be kind and love intensely no matter the cost because I believe that God will never allow anything done in His love to be in vain.

Therefore, I will seek God and learn how to love in wisdom while also becoming unafraid to love in the riskiest of moments. For that is exactly how Christ has loved us.  

- lr

To Believe In Good

The closest people to me can tell you that I lived in a dream as a child. 

I chased what could be with a knowing that it soon would be. 

I dreamt big and believed that to be optimistic meant to live in a whimsical illusion complete with all things imagined. 

I saw that people’s lives should be much more than they settled for. Therefore, I dreamt that mine would be the exception. 

The life of this dreaming child was beautiful. 

She found a sparkle and a hope in everything. 

She never worried about the worst-case scenarios or the possible painful betrayals because she knew it would all add up to a happily ever after, just like in the movies. 

She never settled to see life as it currently existed; instead, she saw life as beautiful as it could be.

She was innocent, and life in her eyes was just as clay, simply waiting to be molded into the greatest thing one can imagine.

This changed as I grew up. 

Life was unhesitant to show me that some dreams don’t come true, and even worse, some actually morph into nightmares. 

I knew good and evil, but I was shocked into awareness when the same good I trusted and found happiness in over time became the same stone that shattered my heart. 

I am traumatized and even now find myself consumed with fear that all good results in disaster. 

Clouded by such horror in and around our lives, we often forget that good remains because God remains. 

I am eager to deny this truth out of the bitterness, fear, and sorrow of my experiences.

Yet, to not believe that good exists despite the difficulties means to unjustly imprison our life when Christ has deemed it free in Him. 

I have viewed the disappointments of my life as a puncture to my hope, leading me to rely on myself to safely guard my heart. 

However, I have learned recently that God views the same disappointments as another way to build my faith and display the depth of His love for me. 

And in that is such a beautiful good I fail to realize.  

I want the courage to be like a child again, walking into situations with the hope and belief that good will triumph because God is above it all. 

This time, this thinking will not come with delusions but with genuine trust in a faithful God. 

It may not be the same childhood dream I had, but it is a new hope found in the One who, in time, makes all things good.

- lr

Heart Pieces: Falling to Beauty

I adore the season of fall.

The crisp air amid the warmth of colors.

The crunchy leaves under the soft hue of the grey and blue sky.

It is a time of calm.

A time that contrasts the rush of summer.

And a time that effortlessly causes even the unlikely to pause and reflect. 

This season calls the new to become old and demands the old to patiently wait to be reborn in the spring.

Autumn finds beauty in strenuous change and discovers grace in death.

If looked at closely enough, fall is a reminder of how God beautifies His beloved. 

The movement of God leads to a slow whither, similar to the trees in autumn. 

Though they do not fully die, fragments of them begin to fall away.

This dwindling can be seen as distressing to some, but it is just the opposite. 

It is God’s magnificent way of altering the heart and mind to bear greater fruit.

He calls us to Himself, moving us to abandon the instability of our familiar ways.

And in response to our willingness, He orchestrates the old falling and the new rising.

A precious gift to those He loves.

A time ago, it was summer, and we existed in the uncomfortable heat of life, thirsting for water and covering.

We not only craved relief for our bodies, but our hearts also yearned for a nourishing dew that would reach our souls.

With this purposeful burden came our willingness to bend in humble response to God’s will; in return, 

He gave us fall.

Here in the fall, God makes a home. 

He calls our unholy ways to mimic the leaves. 

The once intense pieces now alter in color and fall in command of His wind.

Then, they land on the ground finally to allow space for the best of what God is. 

Winter will soon arrive not to end our days but to hibernate our souls. 

The old leaves of our minds and hearts have fallen and become no more due to the unyielding elements of truth’s chill. 

The old has now entirely passed away.

Spring then settles, and there it is, the new hope, the new sureness, the new spiritual fruit that was once absent has now sprouted and been woven into our being. 

We are not the same.

We have become more gracious and kind.

Our selfishness has been traded for service, and we miraculously find joy in the places we once wept. 

We are a new creation in Him, to never be the same.

Though it is spring, the cycle of seasonal growth will begin again.

Growth is complex and encompasses both the beautiful and the ugly.

Yet, how graced we are to have a God who loves us so much that He will continue to renew and refine us season after season, day after day.

For He is faithful to complete the work He has begun in us.

Here is to a cold yet purposed winter and the gift of extraordinary beauty in Him.

2 Corinthians 5

- lr

Heart Pieces: A Color Such as Grey

When I look up, the colors I once saw are not available in their fullness, instead consumed by clouds of grey.

The clouds have done what they do best: alter the mood of those it hovers.

It exists as an undefeatable gloom and dullness.

Though eternal joy still exists here, no enthusiasm appears. 

Neither motivation nor energy.

I miss the pigment and its ability to form emotional bliss and physical highs. 

Oh, dear color, I thirst for you, craving the vibrancy you inhabit. 

You are hidden beyond the grey, distant. 

My days ache, and my soul questions why my life is not vivid though the Spirit of Light that lives in me. 

Venturing to find the fullness of color once more, I am halted in my steps to be guided back to the days of Jesus.

It was in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus, that You were weary; it was on the cross where you hung in anguish.

The excitement to live in obedience was absent.

And tones of positivity were lacking when the time came to sacrifice your body for those You were sent to save.

It was grey, You were human, and You were sorrowful.

Still, You replied, “Not what I will, but what You will,” and now I see.

Your grace, Lord, faithfully leads me through the gloom.

You allow me the ability and reason to obey in feelings of weakness and insufficiency.

You teach me how faith goes beyond the clouds, beyond the feelings, and settles in Truth.

Jesus, You endured pain and sorrow, and still, Your actions displayed humble obedience to Your Father.

May I be like You, Jesus.

May my grey conclude in surrender.

-lr

Matthew 26

An Anxious Life That Was Never Mine To Keep

I was once told a story that I do not quite remember.

           In this story, I was around five years old. The setting was a grocery store, and as a young one, my job was to follow behind my mother as she searched for items on her list. As we journeyed around the store, we were interrupted. Someone approached my mom, sparking up a conversation about the most recent happenings of life. When I first became aware of the stranger's presence, I instantly ran to find one of my mother’s legs. After I succeeded, I held on, tucking behind the swaying body part, hoping to disappear. Yet, I always allowed room for occasional peeking to catch a glimpse of the stranger’s behavior. During a moment of my peeking session, I found my eyes to accidentally meet the stranger’s, initiating a soft “Hello” from them. My heart responded quicker than my reflexes ever could. With my heart racing, I drew back, retreating to safety and physically pressing my lips together so that words would not escape in reaction to their greeting. After the interaction between my mother and the stranger, I calmed, becoming grateful that the exchange was finally over.

Though I do not remember this happening, I remember its feeling, for it was a familiar everyday experience for me. I sadly knew anxiety well.

I typically describe anxiety as a hated friend of mine, as if that is something that should exist. Me and anxiety coexisted for as long as I can remember. So long that I gained a sense of comfort when it arose. So long that an embedded belief became that fear was safe enough to lead my thinking and actions. However, in my maturity, I discovered that this entity only desired to corrupt my mind and bind my body.

To fear the known and unknown is paralyzing. I constantly lived feeling unsafe, misunderstood, and lonely. Therefore, I coward at the sign of any possible danger, imaginary or real. My life became one I knew deep down in my soul was not mine to keep. Yet, I did not know how to rid myself of a parasite that survived off me and me off it since the beginning.

Desperate, I was offered an opportunity to look up and breathe, diverting my attention from the debilitating, familiar ways of anxiety below and fixing my eyes on the good above.

Finding myself in God’s midst, my mind quieted, and He reminded my soul of what is good, true, and beautiful.

See, I lived my life leaning into what weighed heavy on earth. Accepting the world's idea of beauty, success, and worth created a standard for myself that I always failed to live up to, resulting in major insecurities and pressures that caused anxiety in all areas of my life, including my relationship with God. The truth is I forgot about heaven. 

I forgot that in heaven, saints rest in worship to the Father, knowing their purpose and consuming themselves in the One worthy of their time and energy. The things of heaven do not compare to that on earth, so which will I meditate on? Who will I serve?

Today I can say that most of my life is without anxiety; though not perfect, the Holy Spirit continues to give me the strength to do the daunting, reminding me that all is well in His presence even when not on earth.

For I have a new Ruler who diminishes the thick of fear. A solid knowing is created in His reign, relaying that I am continuously covered in His care. I am secure; in His truth, I am well. Therefore, when anxiety rises, my heart will calm, and my soul will rest because I know He is faithful to keep me. 

- lr

Matthew 6:25-34